It’s not you

I read a very disturbing story today about a case in the South Korean capital of Seoul, where a 23 old woman was brutally stabbed to death in a public unisex bathroom by a schizophrenic man unknown to her. According to reports the man hated women for showing him down, which also explains why he let six men go before zeroing in on his victim.

This is of course an extreme case, but the sentiment of some men feeling slighted in various ways by women is on the rise. Women are more confident and achieving on their part today, and what has traditionally been male bastion – the workplace – is ready to be shared equally. It is only natural therefore, that some men feel the insecurity that comes with it. The trouble, though, really arises when it becomes in the minds of either men or women (and there is plenty of both happening), an us-versus-them battle.

Which is ridiculous, to say the least.

Women as it is, have enough and more to deal with. Increasingly, I find every stripe of decent men also struggling with some abstract version of the blame on women’s issues. The irony: it’s not really them who are responsible in almost anyway. If my own experiences are anything to go by – some of the most supportive, encouraging and understanding individuals I have met have been men. But this is what we get, when we slot all men (and women) under one category and start playing some blame game.

So, in this post, here is something I have wanted to say for a long time. A big thank you on my behalf, and that of all women who feel the same, to all the wonderful men who have touched our lives in some way or the other:

• Thank you for playing a positive role in a personal or in a professional capacity. You might think some things are forgotten or some you might have forgotten yourself, but acts of goodness, never are.
• Thank you for working through with us during the worst and weakest times. For listening with support, for giving practical advice and for not losing your patience.
• Thank you for making life so much more happening by ensuring that you drop us back from all the late night events. We would never have made it to them without you. And definitely not, without you staying sober through them.
• Thank you for opening your heart up about so many things. We would never know what goes on in your quirky male mind if you were not willing to speak up and express yourself in all your vulnerability.
• Thank you for not being a cliché and knowing what true friendships are about. Refraining from hitting on your friend can sometimes be a big deal, but to a decent guy it actually comes easy.
• Thank you for not being gendered in the workplace and giving young women a true chance to sink their teeth into great roles, and make no wage distinctions.

Now, in an ideal setting, a number of these things should be rights. Especially the last one. But we are not living in that ideal world. And whether we like it or not, at least to some extent, the power balance is still firmly in favour of patriarchy. Therefore, for many men, being this person is actually a choice. Because the dark side, is really not as far from anyone’s world as we imagine.

So, gentlemen, please stay the way you are. You might have some troubled experiences with some women, but try not to generalise those. Hell, even I have troubled experiences with some women! But if I start blanket - genderising them, where does that leave me? We are all in this together, and it is the decent people – men and women – who make the world a fine place. Why should it be any different?